Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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