Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
