I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
