i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
