Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
