Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
