Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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