i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
