Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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