We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
