Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
