i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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