im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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