Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
bring money and cleavage
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
