maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We have started to decorate penises.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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