dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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