I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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