a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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