i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
