Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
