You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
