you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
