her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
