when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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