Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
