but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
