I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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