i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I faked an abortion last night.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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