I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
