My underwear smells like fireworks.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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