I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
