That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
