I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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