I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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