I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
