Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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