the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
