I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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