i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We're too hungover to prance.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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