Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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