And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
