This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
