My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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