Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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