she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Your penis caused this!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
