tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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