Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I AM VODKA MAN
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
