nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
