I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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