Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
