i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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