The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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