The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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